Ugly Christmas Sweaters Gone Wild –
The experts here at The House That Never Slumbers have scoured the web to bring you the Best of the Ugly, the Gaudiest of the Gaudy, the compilation of each and every Eyesore to End All Eyesores! There are some spectacles, you just can’t unsee, and we have found every one of them.
I’m sure we all have that one person in our lives. You know?! The one who takes Christmas apparel just a little too far, crosses the line, pushes the envelope on what should be socially acceptable holiday apparel. This post is dedicated in honor of THAT PERSON in each of our lives. That person in this house is our oldest daughter. You know the type that starts wearing Christmas socks in October and listens to Christmas music six months of the year? That’s our girl!
She didn’t always have an Ugly Christmas Sweater problem. It’s a very bad habit she developed as a teenager. I don’t even think she realized Ugly Christmas Sweaters existed until she went to public school. I know some people are so fearful their children will be negatively influenced by other children at school. That’s not something that seriously concerned me. I decided to just trust she could make wise decisions no matter what anyone else around her was doing. But then it happened. During her first year at the high school, they had dress-up days leading up to the break. There was an Ugly Christmas Sweater Day.
Ugly Sweaters, Cute Kids
It only took that one time. We didn’t even own an Ugly Christmas Sweater. She had to go to her grandma’s and borrow one to wear. She was obviously genetically predisposed to an Ugly Christmas Sweater addiction. Despite all our best efforts to raise her with better judgment, she was hooked. And even though we tried so hard to limit our other children’s exposure to Ugly Christmas Sweaters, they’ve been unable to withstand the peer pressure from their older sister. I guess they just look up to her and seek her approval so much that they are willing to [gasp] be seen in public like this!
The only sight on the planet worse than multiple people decked in hideous Christmas sweaters must surely be an assortment of people wearing hideous Christmas sweaters standing right next to someone else in a hideous Christmas sweater that doesn’t even color coordinate with the rest. Why on earth would they even manufacture an Ugly Christmas Sweater in neon purple and teal? Why on earth would my son actually want to own it?
The Walk of Shame, or Nah?
And where did we possibly find this one? I know you might be thinking he was probably once perfectly normal, and she just corrupted his impeccable taste in fashion. However, I don’t think my eldest daughter can take the full credit for that.
Do you see the look on his face? His dad sent us this picture last year. Doesn’t he appear to be embarrassed at having to wear the Ugly Christmas Sweater like he’s ashamed, and she’s making him wear it? I’m guessing he didn’t let his dad in on the fact that she didn’t even pick that sweater. My son and my then soon-to-be-son-in-law found the sweaters they’re pictured wearing on a rack at Walmart one Sunday afternoon and then spent twenty minutes begging me to buy them even though I thought it was way too much to pay for ugly apparel. While it would be easy to blame my daughter for the corrupted tastes of her now husband, I’m afraid it’s simply a case of two equally odd individuals being drawn to one another’s eccentricities.
*This post contains affiliate links.
If you, for some strange reason, would love to own that very same ugly sweater, it appears to be available on Amazon. It must be your lucky day!
Knowing my own children already own some of the ugliest Christmas sweaters known to man made me wonder if there could possibly be something even worse out there. So without further adieu, I present to you our Ugly Christmas Sweater showcase:
The Best of the Ugly!
1.) Cats and Pizza?
Am I the only one who doesn’t understand the meaning behind this? Either the cats or the pizza would have been slightly odd on their own, but cats and pizza together? And are the pizza slices supposed to be some kind of spaceship? So cats and pizza in space? Apparently, this is over my head. Maybe I’m lost because I don’t love cats, but I do love pizza, and I still don’t get it. If someone understands this, please enlighten me in the comments.
2.) Christmas T-Rex
Look at this lovable T-rex! All he wants from Santa is longer arms. I seriously looked at this sweater for five minutes trying to figure out why he had Christmas socks on his arms before I figured out the sleeves were just too long. Apparently T-rex is a common theme for Christmas sweaters. Who would have guessed? There’s even one with three of them posed as the three wisemen.
3.) Jesus’ Birthday
I’m still not sure how I feel about this one. Should I find it irreverent to put our Lord and Savior on an ugly sweater? Does God have a sense of humor and find this one clever? My first reaction was “Ouch. Maybe Jesus should really be the one on every single Christmas sweater instead of anyone/anything else.”
This one falls under the category of Things That Fit Right In at The House That Never Slumbers. Did I ever tell you about the time I came home to this?
That’s not even our couch! They stole a couch. It was sitting by a dumpster for pick-up, and they just took it. I left early in the morning to take my mom for her cardiac ablation. I was only gone for 6-8 hours max, and I pulled into my driveway to this lovely contraption. They had the couch attached with bungee cords because The House That Never Slumbers is really just one big Redneck Country Club. This is what happens when teenagers get married and you leave them home to supervise your younger children and nephew.
5.) Tattoo Santa
This is simply proof you really can buy ANYTHING on the internet.
Because who wouldn’t want tacos for Christmas?
7.) Tinsel Tree
I’m sure this one’s not itchy or at all annoying. I’m not sure if we can call it ugly though. It’s actually pretty, even though I mostly hate tinsel.
I find it hard to believe my son-in-law doesn’t already own this one. ‘Merica! [Edit: I did not realize the words that are under the picture when I originally included this sweater. My daughter pointed them out to me. They are difficult to read, so I’m not going to delete it, but I wish they had left that part off because I was actually going to order these for the newlyweds before I realized what it actually said.]
9.) Vomiting Unicorn
Lastly, and definitely leastly (Does that make it the winner or the loser?), what could possibly say Christmas quite like a unicorn vomiting candy? And not just a normal unicorn, but a really, really odd-looking unicorn. It does say it lights up though, so it has that.
We hope you’ve enjoyed The Best of the Ugly: Christmas Sweaters Gone Wild. Please vote for the ugliest Christmas sweater in the comments! Which is your favorite?
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